| |
|
|
| 11:06pm 28/08/2009 |
| |
mood:  sad
|
Somehow being told I'm beautiful, intelligent, wonderful to be with, an amazing person, and a catalogue of other compliments doesn't seem to make that much of an impact when it's followed by a "but...". |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:09am 07/05/2009 |
| |
Did LJ fuck things up, or have I really not posted since January? Hrm.
I went to New York. I defended. I played with friends.
I returned to California. I now revise, intern and look for a job or at least an income source.
I watch Twin Peaks with Napa youths who also like going to planning meetings for fun (for different reasons).
I finished Six Feet Under. That was painful.
I am reading Autobiography of a Yogi and rereading The Ethical Slut. It takes me months to read a book now because I otherwise spend my time a) working, b) taking massage, acroyoga and parkour classes, c) commuting, or d) watching Grey's Anatomy, Castle, Dollhouse, Desperate Housewives, or whatever I get dragged into that my parents may be watching (House, Brothers and Sisters); the most TV shows I have ever watched at once: fuck you tivo and the big screen tv my parents decided should dominate our living room.
Oh yeah, I still live with my parents. My kitchen and winter clothes are in a storage facility. I have a desk, but I do my best (i.e. most) work at Starbucks. Because the local place I liked (the Smoking Cat(erpillar) would-be hookah bar) folded.
I want to do the karma yoga program at Ananda for a few weeks. That is potentially doable. I also want to go to this school in Costa Rica where I can learn Spanish, yoga, surfing and poi. That costs more and is less doable. I still want to learn tissu. But am unconfident. Which I am about academics, my career, and apparently music. My voice teacher says I have good musical instincts, but I don't trust them. Ha. Maybe that's what I need to work on this "year." Oh yeah, I'm in the Rhythm Society choir. We sing in a quaker style service after quarterly Rhythm Society all-night dance celebrations.
My high school ten year reunion conflicts with burning man. I'm sort of considering leaving the burn early to go back for it, but I'm not sure if it's worth missing the temple burn. Probably worth missing the man, but maybe not the temple, or the whole package.
Still fairly happily fairly single.
My cat crawls under the covers and cuddles with me at night.
There are too many things I want to do and people who I want to spend time with to have enough time for it all, which makes me stressed.
That's most of it. Minus most of the whining. |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| Six Feet Under |
|
|
| 03:04pm 11/01/2009 |
| |
I am sad that the sweet boy who told Claire off isn't going to be in any more episodes. She needs to get over herself. I am concerned for her.
In another news, I have a favorite new breakfast:
-fruit smoothie (with minimal yogurt)
-piece of sprouted seed "bread" toasted and spread with butter, avocado and salt
Yum.
Also, the headline teaser was "Man with 21 guns...". I clicked on it, hoping that it would end in, "salutes." But no, he tried to get on an airplane. Lame.
Now I am going to take a shower and head over to the launch party for Culture Magazine at the Oxbow Market. Note that this is not culture as in "arts and" but rather the bacteria that makes cheese. Irish cheese, in this case. With local beer. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| So much for that |
|
|
| 11:37pm 18/12/2008 |
| |
mood: disappointed
|
370 Degrees Studio is closing tomorrow. They've been open for like... two months. And it's been the best thing that's happened to me lately. Between the tissu and the poi and the pole dancing, I've been really happy, and excited about my progress and actually liking being in Napa.
So... I guess it's time to leave Napa. I never even had started making it to the lindy hop classes. And it sucks for Aurelien, who sunk so much money and energy into creating it.
At least I've figured out that doing this kind of stuff really is a priority for me. |
|
| |
|
Read 7 - Post |
| |
| I'm sorry for not posting |
|
|
| 08:48pm 02/11/2008 |
| |
I blame Facebook. I can't even blame Plans, because I completely forgot about Plans the entire time I was in Europe, and felt guilty about that, since it was my first social networking love. I can blame Tribe a little bit, thought it's awfully iffy lately, and OPENLY more recently. Twitter not quite as much; I am skeptical of it. So mostly it is Facebook's fault. And I blame all of these for not writing in a paper journal anymore at all (with random every 6-12 month exceptions, like when I'm at a cafe on a canal in Venice and all I have is a little notebook and miniature pen, or in an airplane flying back somewhere after an amazing night).
I think it's a problem with combining social networking with journalling. It's like everything I write is too stream of consciousness and/or unpolished to really be read by other people, but at the same time, it's not intimate and honest enough to fill the needs of a journal. Yet I go on about things that only I am interested in (like the latest crush and what he said and then what I said and then oh my god guess what he said then?).
And Facebook status updates (which are almost exactly the same as tweets) just do not cut it as actual updates on the state of my life, although they're more current and often fairly snappy. They let me/require that I be even more vague and cryptic than usual. Because 300 people, some of whom don't really give a damn about me, and some of whom now are like... my parents friends... are going to read them.
Oh, but there also isn't anything of any significance to report. Still painfully, sporadically, uninspiredly working on my exit project. Still more interested in the occasional crush than anything else in my life. Going to the gym more. Want to get a job so that I have something new, and so that I can then move to SF and stop fucking driving back and forth between Napa and SF and Berkeley and Oakland several times a week. |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 09:23pm 29/09/2008 |
| |
Of course, I'm sick now. Have been doing too much, not getting enough sleep (not my fault except for one night - I woke up in Luzern at 4am and couldn't get back to sleep, and the night I was at the guesthouse I had to hike to I spent about twelve hours either shivering or close to shivering under the four wool blankets, unable to sleep except maybe a couple half hour increments.
So now I'm with Sara at her house in Nyon, postponing the trip to Italy, and lying in bed with chills, body aches and a throat so swollen I can barely drink my cold medicine cuz it hurts too much to swallow.
Typical.
Sarah and her dad are being really nice to me though. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:33am 28/09/2008 |
| |
Several years ago I was afraid of getting married because it meant that I wouldn't be able to backpack around the world by myself and hook up with interesting people if I felt like it.
Reason #489 I am happy today I broke up with Bruce, and how daily pleased I am with who I am today.
Along those lines, I went paragliding today. Me and a hot Kiwi professional and a big parachute sail thing, and the Lautebrunen valley beneath us. |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| 7000ft |
|
|
| 11:18pm 24/09/2008 |
| |
Today I traveled bz (in chronological order):
Foot
Boat
Cogwheel car
Cable car
Toboggan
Gondola
Bus
And zet, mz legs are verz, verz sore.
I can see whz thez thought there were dragons on Mount Pilatus. Definitelz looks like dragon territorz until zou get above the clouds.
Also, best meal in long time. Venison. Chestnuts. spaetzle. etc. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Luzern |
|
|
| 09:15pm 23/09/2008 |
| |
mood:  pleased
|
In Luzern. Got into Geneva at 8am and havent slept more than three hours in the last couple nights. Despite this, spent about 8 hours wandering around the old city trzing to keep mzself from falling asleep before dinner. Dinner was absurdlz expensive, but good (veal and veal mini meatball stuffed puff pastrz... apparentlz this is one of the local specialties). Have succeeded in keeping mzself awake until a reasonable hour to go to bed (9pm is better than 3pm). Also, drank lots of water. Jet lag, I defz zou.
Climbing on the ramparts and looking down at the old citz was prettz awesome. Ive never been so lost as in these twistz streets. Worse than Boston in a car. Less of those tastz pastries I alwazs ate in Boston, though. Will have to find the local tastz pastries. There are tons of bakeries. And chocolate stores. Mazbe will trz some of these plum tarts.
I hate the American dollar. Seventeen dollars for a fucking tarte flambee. Itäs a PIZZA, people. Okaz, running out of time on stickz hostel computer. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 08:23am 19/09/2008 |
| |
Birthday tomorrow. Leaving for Switzerland Monday morning. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Monday ride to Burning Man? |
|
|
| 10:09pm 22/08/2008 |
| |
Does anyone know of anyone with extra space who's leaving for BRC on Monday or Tuesday?
I need space for:
-me
-bag
-little bag
-tent
-medium cooler
-bike (preferably)
and am happy to help drive & pay for gas.
(Would love a ride back, too) |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| Grateful |
|
|
| 12:26am 01/06/2008 |
| |
mood: hopeful
|
As continually hurt and somewhat emotionally damaged as I am by the way my relationship with Bruce turned out, I am so grateful for the fact that it ended because of all the wonderful things that have happened in my life that wouldn't have happened otherwise. I've grown so much in the last two years, met so many amazing people. Despite the bad things I complain about, my fears and worries and insecurities, the fact that I still often (though less these days!) get teary when anyone asks me about Bruce, my complete uncertainty about what to do next with my life, I am so happy with who I am and what I've done and who I've met.
Have been talking about this some with Will, whose recovery from his recent devastating breakup has been bringing up my own memories and issues. He thinks the same thing, but I'm not sure he believes it because he still hurts too much - but I'm kind of excited for him to see where he is in two years. And I'm excited to see where I am two years from now. And I'm grateful for the open field of possibilities that's before me, and I hope to make myself as proud of me in two years as I am now about the last two years.
And today was a fantastic first real day of summer - thunderstorms, clear evenings, watching the sunset over the lake, dancing, barbecue, friends, new people, warm breeze, walking home comfortably and companionably, the promise of more summer to come. Lonely and depressed in some ways, but happy and hopeful in others. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Help |
|
|
| 11:06pm 06/04/2008 |
| |
mood: morose
|
I went to the OAR show tonight (which was great, btw; I'm glad I gave them another chance), and there I witnessed the same thing many times over (including with my roommate). Girl is dancing to the music and enjoying herself. Boyfriend (standing behind her) thinks, "Aw, isn't she cute, I think I'll hold on to her." Girl is now unable to dance the way she was previously dancing and is forced to dance in boring back and forth movements along with Boyfriend. And it struck me that is pretty much how I see relationships in general. Am I that far off, or do I just have issues? |
|
| |
|
Read 3 - Post |
| |
| Food |
|
|
| 10:05pm 30/03/2008 |
| |
mood:  tired
|
I was reading some food blogs with the meme of the top five foods to eat before you die, but that's a little too over the top for me. I haven't tried enough foods to feel like I'd have a remotely useful list, and my memory is bad. Don't even feel adequate giving a guide to the best Napa stuff, because I can't afford to try all the new (okay, or old) restaurants in the Valley. So instead, here are the top five, okay six foods I attempt to eat when I go home to the Bay Area:
1. It's-It. Preferably mint or chocolate, but these days it's hard to find anything other than vanilla in Napa. Ice cream sandwich made with oatmeal cookies and dipped in chocolate. I have memories throughout growing up of hot summers with sun beating down and chocolate and ice cream melting all over me.
2. Cheese Danish at Bouchon Bakery. Light and puffy with slightly lemony cream.
3. Stuffed squash blossoms at Hurley's. Crispy and hot and exploding with goat cheese. Only available during summer, served with lightly vinaigretted summer beans.
4. Boeuf Bourgogne at Angele. This is the best beef stew ever. First tasted when ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) maitriaya took me there on a date. Served with buttered noodles. To be followed by unbelievable banana tart.
5. Pizza verde at Pizza Azzurro. Perfect thin, slightly chewy and tender, slightly crunchy dough topped with spinach, garlic, crushed pepper and ricotta.
6. Acme sweet batard. Preferably an entire loaf, accompanied by herbed frommage d'affinois. It's like the most bready bread I've ever had. Like, essence of bread.
Yes, I'm trying to write a paper.
Maybe I should keep a food blog. Not because I think anyone cares, but because I really should keep tasting and cooking notes because my memory is so bad. I usually can't remember what I had at a restaurant several months later, and I've forgotten half of the dishes I've cooked, even when they've been really good, or at least forgotten where I found the recipe, or how I altered half a dozen recipes for it.
Speaking of food, yesterday I finally got to go to a place where maple syrup is made. A bunch of us went to the maple festival at Cornell's Arnot Forest, where we paid $6 for all you can eat pancakes, eggs and sausage with their maple syrup. The table of us went through a whole bottle. So yummy. And they were giving out maple candy, and for the first time I had maple cotton candy and maple cream. Yum. If I didn't already have two jars (Argentinian and Colombian) of dulce de leche in my fridge... Hm. Maybe I should get some maple cream anyway and some nutella and have a crepe party. Anyway.
And I got to talk to the guy making the syrup and he showed us how it's made with their high-tech equipment. There's this system of tubes that runs along all the maple trees and continually carries their sap to the production facility. So cool. Have been wanting to do all that since I got to the Northeast. The only thing I still haven't experienced is maple snow candy. =\
And then some of us went and took a wine and food pairing class at Six Mile Creek winery. That was cool cuz the winemaker taught it. |
|
| |
|
Read 1 - Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 09:07pm 29/01/2008 |
| |
The Christmas card from Dan & Kim with an enclosed wedding photo has a little kid licking a frozen pole and saying, "Hathy Holidayth." On the inside the note from Dan says, "In true Joanna fashion, you gotta try it at least once. :)" |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 12:08am 29/01/2008 |
| |
mood: too tired to brush my teeth
|
I was all sick this week and Bruce came up to Ithaca to take care of me and help me get my stuff together. It was really sweet of him, especially since he's coming up next weekend too for the Ani DiFranco concert. It was great to see him so soon, and nice to have someone taking care of me and making me take icky herbal medicine.
I had nine or ten hours of class today. Mostly interesting, but a lot of class in a row. I have no course or credit strategy. Probably taking too many again.
Ex-Bruce called me and left a message apologizing for not being in touch lately. It had been three or four months of his not responding to anything I said, anywhere. Maybe my last email made him feel guilty enough to call. I was taken by surprise by the message and fell into a nearby classroom and started crying. Then I think on the walk home I felt a bit lighter than I had in a while. Like I didn't have as much that I had to hold back to keep from overwhelming me.
Now I am reading legal briefs and deciding what recipes I want to request cooking for my culinary class. My teaching said he'd let me choose since it's a fairly basic class and I know how to cook much of the stuff we'll be doing.
Also, looking at the resort in Jamaica that Bruce and I will be going to in twoish weeks. =) Have never been on a tropical vacation with a boyfriend. Or on Valentine's Day.
Last Valentine's Day something my bf did made me a little irritated. This year we are pretending we don't know each other.
I am depressed about my education.
And my lack of exit project.
And overwhelmed by the range of job possibilities.
But I sat in the sun for fifteen minutes.
And Adriana brought me Colombian dulce de leche.
My fingers are blue. Bruce helped me redye my hair. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 11:37pm 22/01/2008 |
| |
mood:  frustrated
|
I am sort of a spiteful bitch. But then, I don't think I ever have been before in my life.
The one thing that makes me happy about the pictures Bruce's girlfriend posted on facebook of their trip from Colorado, going to the exact same places that I went to with him at the same time of year, is that he looks like an idiot without his beard. I barely even recognize him.
Like, I'm torn up inside about so many things, and I have nightmares about him, but at least I don't find current him particularly attractive.
Eh, it was either that or unfriend him, and he wouldn't have noticed that.
I have nightmares that are pretty much like real life. I keep screaming and trying to hit him, and he just walks away, self-righteously. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| Highlights |
|
|
| 11:23pm 15/01/2008 |
| |
mood:  contemplative
|
Because I've been so unhappy lately about how this break has seemed like such a disaster, I need to remind myself that a lot about it was wonderful.
-Every minute spent with Bruce: sub-highlights include features of his room redecoration, a lovely outfit, the happiest gift exchange ever, intense wonderful physical communication, seeing Enchanted, and a beautiful dinner with candlelight and the restaurant weirdly playing almost entirely Keane the whole time.... oh yeah, and getting yelled at by some lady for making out on the subway in front of her innocent fifteen year old boy
-Interview with Tree
-Croissants in Yountville with John
-Getting work done at The Smoking Cat cafe
-Christmas with my family, Marian & John
-Boxing Day party with John and Sabrina
-Shopping with John (no, seriously, it was fun, and not just cuz he bought me dresses)
-Getting to see a bunch of Burning Man friends at the Art Monastery Gala, plus meet more of Betsy & Christopher's great friends - despite oncoming week-long illness, it was the happiest I had been in a long time
-Reconnecting, processing, crying and cuddling with Betsy & Christopher
-Reading the Golden Compass trilogy while sick in bed - reading! fiction! and not feeling guilty!
-Hiking in Westwood Hills park and walking up Oakville Grade with Sabrina
-Dinner with Sabrina & her boyfriend
-Hanging out with Sam
-Argentine tango lesson, walking the dog at Crissy Field in sunshine, followed by sunset dinner at the Beach Chalet, all with John
-Dinner with Marian
-Club Kiss and subsequent activities at the Hotel des Artes
-Difficult but important phone calls with Bruce (also lots of nice ones)
-Starting to get organized and regroup for the upcoming semester |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 10:45pm 15/01/2008 |
| |
mood: better
|
I just had a really good conversation with John, out of which I have much more respect for him. In fact, it reminded me again about why I love him. But not in a love-him way that's like being madly in love with him, just like, why I think he's a really good, intelligent and thoughtful person at his core despite the fact that he also is frequently an arrogant, self-absorbed ass. It's like a lot of the time he's obnoxiously immature, but then every so often he rises way above. Maybe it's the contrast that makes it so stunning.
He basically said lots and lots of the things I've been thinking but not saying about our relationship (partly because he kept interrupting me with complains about what a hard, horrible situation he was in whenever I wanted to say them). Basically that we could be friends and have 99% of the benefit without 100% of the hassle. He's generally awesome, despite some significant features that make us fairly incompatible. I like being around him, and his creative ideas and wacky life and all the amazing people he's introduced me to. I liked being his main girl, too, it was fun being in love and interacting with other people while having that awesome connection, but pffft. It was really more fun than anything else, and I got a lot out of it. There was an ending point this summer, and I cried, and then I danced on the beach in the sunshine and was happy about moving on. And then we didn't end it, but we could have, possibly probably should have. Although it was fun to have in some ways this semester. But I think it could be good in some new form.
And he finally admitted that he's fallen in love with Tavia and doesn't have the energy (or really interest) for more than one real relationship. And she's like... there. And needy. And eerily similar to him in all of the most fucked up ways. It's like, if he had just said that earlier and we had redefined our relationship several weeks ago, everything would have been so much better. Not perfect, but I wouldn't have ended up hurt, blown off (I'm sorry, "triaged"), pissed off and lied to. And he acknowledged that (which, despite the similarities to all the fucked up shit Bruce put me through, Bruce never had the maturity to do). And that the fact that he kept wanting me to prioritize him wasn't necessarily because he was doing it mutually (though he was until a couple weeks before I got back to California), but because he's all alpha male and competitive and generally a jerk. Granted, the hypocrisy of trying to hold me back while he was doing what he wanted pisses me off royally, but at least he admits it. He also used the word "unconscionable" to describe a particular thing he did, which I appreciated, and noted that obviously he's been bad for me lately, especially since his treatment of me has affected my other relationships.
The only annoying thing is that I know he was much more honest tonight than he's been in a long time, but he was still saying things in ways that was basically telling me what he thought I wanted to hear, or what he thinks is good for me to hear. Yes, you're clever and subtly manipulative, but I'm not stupid. But I guess to some extent I appreciate it. And I don't think he's just pretending that he cares about me.
And I totally had an awesome night Saturday. So I think he's an arrogant prick for thinking he was entirely responsible, but I appreciate (almost) any part he played in the fun I had, even if was done in a paternalistic, controlling, manipulative way.
I'm still not sure what the text message I got from him lateish last night was about. It said, "Ok. I love u enuf to put u first." Which, coming after he had told me he was prioritizing Tavia, made me slightly confused but mostly more furious than before. I hope that doesn't happen again. Maybe it was meant for Tavia and he got confused. Let's hope. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
| |
|
|
| 02:37pm 14/01/2008 |
| |
mood: Bad
|
When I talk to somebody I'm mad at, and by the end of the conversation I feel like they didn't really do that much wrong, and feel a little bit guilty for being mad at them, what happened? Did I just come to a more balanced realization of truth from hearing their side of the story? Or were they just really persuasive and manipulative?
In this case, it was like I was listening to what he said, and rationally it made sense, yet at the same time I could see what he was doing, how he was blaming other people, how he shifted the conversation so that suddenly *I* was the one who was doing something bad enough that it called for breaking-up ultimatums.
Plus there were contradictions. Like, "I handled that badly." and "There are just all these difficult circumstances, and I think I've handled everything really, really well."
He thought I was not telling him something just to make him mad so that we would break up. In fact, I had told someone else that I wouldn't tell him. I was just already so mad at what I still see as his deceitfulness (despite his honesty about facts) that I didn't care that much anymore about telling him the truth.
The fact that I've been thinking that it's time to move on from having any expectations of him at all anymore was really irrelevant to that situation.
I haven't dealt with this he-said she-said not-really-lying-but-being-deceitful bullshit since Bruce. The question is, can I continue the relationship at enough distance that I don't care and just have fun, or should I not bother?
Maybe I shouldn't have talked to him about it on my own, and instead waited to do it at once with Marian and Tavia, since keeping him from being able to lie about any other one of us was the point of that initiative.
I have a headache now.
*In other manipulative crap, the moment I told him I had done something with X, he was like, "Oh I told him to. I thought it would make you feel better." I've heard him say that kind of thing before; no one else has free will, they're all just doing his bidding. Like, "It sounds paternalistic, but I do know what's better for them." It's part of the "playing chess in 18 dimensions" thing. I wonder how much he actually manipulates people, and how much he just thinks he is. Like how sometimes he can read people really well, and other times he completely misreads them to get whatever he wants out of them. I think that's part of his "that's hot" - if he likes it, it's like he controls it. I recognized it when he told me he liked the necklace Bruce made me - it seemed like there was more going on than just him thinking it looked good on me. And sure enough, when I told Bruce he liked it, it bothered Bruce. And I think I know why. And I think John did too, and I think every bit about it was intentional.
*And one of his arguments for why I should tell him was, "I got you in free." It's possible that was true in a way, but I think that was so fucked up that he even realized it and when I responded with an enraged, "WHAT?!" he changed tactics.
In better news, Saturday was awesome. |
|
| |
|
Post |
| |
|
|
|
